We all have something we always fall for, something that we can’t get away from. Mine seems to be girls with an issue. My first girlfriend has controlling issues and trust issues and…. well just a lot of issues. Second, religious. Third, dumbass parents and issues with staying with 1 guy for more than 4 months at a damn time. 4th, I don’t count that one. After the third one, I know for a fact I will definitively have some major trust issues.
The girl I like now, and have liked on and off for over a year, and who likes me back might just take the cake. And yet she may also be the one I could see lasting a long time. I meet her a couple years ago, in a Church College group. First thing I noticed about her is she is very quiet. I am pretty sure she didn’t say a word past her name and age the first time we meet. Having no clue whom she was or what she was like, I didn’t think much of it at first. But she started showing up more at the college groups meetings, and after adding me on facebook, we begun to talk. I soon found out why she is quiet. She is far from shy. She has what she refers to as “Social Anxiety”, or basically doesn’t do well in public. Gets anxious, nervous, and almost just shuts off. Even with meds. So, we started talking more and got to know her, exchanged phone numbers, and begun to talk on text. What she lacks up in talking on person, she makes up by ways of texting. On average her texts are 3 pages long, where 1 night her record was a 15 page text that felt more like a novel to read.
For what ever reason, I feel for this girl. Even though she is “dating” someone in Egypt. A guy she has never meet in real life. But it makes sense. A girl who doesn’t/can’t get out too much and finds comfort with people thousands of miles away would have a boyfriend halfway across the world. So, back and forth for what seems like forever now, I like her. No logical sense since we have almost nothing in common. Maybe its the fact she is willing to tell me what she thinks, willing to debate and not be childish about it, willing to acknowledge when she doesn’t know whats right and wrong, and just overall sweet personality.
So, over a year of even talking to her about how I feel about her, she drops a ball on me. She has “liked” me for about as long as she has known me, and she regrets not dating me when I liked her. So for about a month, we were talking back and forth, and realizing that there is maybe a chance for us. I took her to see a movie (Not a date) and after the fact, before she got out of the car, I had to do one of the hardest things. ”Look. I don’t care if you pick me or not. I won’t hold it against you. I won’t be angry if you don’t pick me. I’m a big boy and worse things have happened to me. I’ll still be a good friend who’ll be here for you. And you don’t have to chose right now. Just soon, for the sake of my sanity. Thats all I ask…etc…” With a look of horror on her face, she asked me what should she do. ”Thats a question I cannot give then answer to. I’m bias for myself and a little towards myself. I know your path and past well enough, but no one knows it better than you.” So last week, she says she just wants to be friends with both of us, which I was fine with. Next day, says that she can’t seem to stay away from “dating” him, and sends me a two page text as to why she likes me….. -_- Yeah. Confusing. It gets so much better. Last night we were talking and she says once again that she feels us just being friends is probably the best way to go. I was happy because I finally got a straight answer from her. She follows this up by telling me she has multiply dreams about being with me, dating me, and wonders if that is her truest deep desire. I swear, if there was a table anywhere around that I didn’t care about it, I would have flipped it several times by now.
I am willing to do so much that I don’t think she’ll ever understand. I am willing to be with her damn well knowing religion will factor in eventually and there will be nothing past kissing until marriage (that word makes me cringe). And speaking of kissing, she has never been kissed. I’d be willing to be her first “actual” boyfriend. I would be willing to be so much more than I do now, and I don’t know how to say that to her with out sounding like a jackass. I am at a lose for words. I want her to just be happy, and if thats with me as a good friend or more seems no difference to me anymore. But I just want to get a answer and i’m losing my mind over this.
I guess the whole point of this post is that does this seem like a selfsacrficing, hurting habit? Or maybe I am just really unlucky when it comes to girls?