- Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
- Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
- LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
- Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
- Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743
- Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
- Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673
- Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272
- Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
- Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253
I am sick of people controlling lives of others. I don’t care if its your kid, spouse, significant other, best friend or just a friend, let people live how they want to. Don’t be controlling, it will bite you in the ass in the end.
I am sick of people quoting a 2000 year old book at me when I have made it clear that I don’t care about what the Bible says. It might be for you, but IT IS NOT for me. I find very little comfort in it the Bible, and when i do it is rarer than a full moon.
I am just sick of everything right now, and I am sick of fact that no matter what I try and do to change everything, I am still sick of all of it.
(I apologize if the wording of the following blog is weird, its past three thirty in the morning)
For the last couple of weeks, since school has ended basically, I have had a considerable amount of free time on my hands these days. For those of you who know me fairly well, and for the benefit of those who don’t who have wandered onto this note/blog (where ever you are reading this), my brain with a lot of free time equals way too much thinking. So much so that the culmination has kept me up the last two nights now, to where the point is I can’t even close my eyes and try to rest without my mind racing and not leaving me alone.
Now this all really started because of a wake and a funeral. I wasn’t close to the person, however the person was my God Mother’s Mom. As I sat there watching them enclose the body of My “God Grandmother”, and as I watched my God Mothers family, many of which I have known for almost my entire life, as well as my mom cry, I couldn’t help but feel helpless as to what life has in store for everyone. I just seem so insignificant to the universe. Like what can I possibly do to change the world? What is my purpose in this life? Is this the only life I will have or is there more? Or is this my second or third or fourth (or so on) life? All these questions with in a matter of seconds. Anyways, this part of the blog is simply ask If I am the only one who has these questions ever in their heads, or are there others out there who ponder the questions.
Now, a couple things have kept me up lately. Several things that are actually “important” in life, like jobs, future, school, social life, and friends and family. While other parts that keep me up at night are just dumb things (Like who do I want to train with in Tekken 6 and Super StreetFighter 4). So, I guess I should just start with the job part of it. I haven’t had a job since December of 2009 now, and it sucks. I want to do things like go out with friends on occasion. Buy some new games that I want to get. I want to not constantly get bitched at by my Mom, Dad, Grandpa, and several others. I try and look and apply to places and call back but nothing, and it truly pisses me off. Like all I want is a job so I can pay for Insurance, Gas Phone bill also enough to start saving and for some fun once in a while. Is that so hard to ask for? And then it leads me to career. What do I want to do in life? I have no clue. It seems every interest I have I suck at or can’t do it. Like I would love to do sports journalism and be a sports anchor, but we all know they way I talk and my ability to write that is not going to happen.
The friends and family is what gets me the most on most nights though. I sit up and wonder what is going on in everyones life. I wonder how many people are truly happy. I wonder if I had made anyone upset on that day, or If I helped someone out. I wonder of all the people that I care about and if they care about me. I wonder if I deserve the friends I have sometimes. I wonder if I deserve all the bad luck i seem to have lately with jobs and girls (get to that in a minute) and my car (that thing is just haunted I swear). I know I shouldn’t be complaining because I have had loving relationships, but being single for almost a year now just makes me feel lonely. I miss that feeling of being wanted and loved by someone. And since I got fired, I have had almost no luck with this. Two breaks up, a “fling” (if you even want to call it that) that didn’t end well, several other MAJOR crushes that never pan out. There is one person out there right now that I like, and hopefully in time something works out, but there seems to be several obstacles right now.
I know I don’t have a bad life. I know I am a lucky person to have the friends I have, and the fact that I have a house to go home to, food, clothing, running water, and a bed (didn’t say nice bed) to sleep in at night, I am better off than a lot of people out there. Yet I feel lost in this world i live in, as to what I need to do. I feel as if I am being punished for something by the universe and for reasons I don’t even know. I am going to close this up now, I have been typing for almost an hour now and I think I am not even making sense to myself anymore.
So, to everyone out there having a bad couple of days, weeks, months or years. I always say to myself that “it gets better in the end. If its not better, its not the end”. I hope that things will get better. I hope I can find a job, figure out what I want to do in life. Find that one that will make me happier than anyone else can. I hope that everyone who is reading this also finds what ever they are looking for. I hope that everything in the end is better.
“hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies” - Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption
No bones about it, I am an avid supporter of gay rights, and I hope one day gay marriage will be legalized. I live in IL, so for those who don’t know, the state senate and house passed a civil union bill and it shall be effective June 1st I believe.
Anyways, back to the story at hand. Yesterday, while walking to the cafeteria in my community college, I noticed a table with multiple people surrounding it, and all I saw was two old white guys and a sign saying “the truth about homosexuals” and I had to go on over to see what BS they were feeding. On further inspection, they were the group called H.O.M.E. (Heterosexuals Organized for a Moral Environmental). Looking at all there so called facts, I couldn’t help myself but laughing at all the of things they were saying. It made me laugh yet at the same time cry a little inside that some people are still like this.
They were here again today, but unlike yesterday, there were plenty of shenanigans. I told a former teacher of mine (who is bisexual) about the table and she had to show up. So she stood in the hall way in front of the table and asked every female who walked by her if they wanted to kiss her. She managed to get 8 others to kiss her, many of whom claim to be straight. In her “silent” kind of protest, managed to agitate the two members of H.O.M.E.
The best part, (and ironic that he was there) was the man that I had the pleasure to meet. He was in a nice suite, and walked up to the table I was sitting at (the Gay and straight alliance, about 20 feet away from the other table) and introduced himself as one of the newest members to the board of trustees… the first openly gay board member trustee in my school’s history. he talked to the people at our table for about 20 minutes, asking the one gay kid if there was ever a problem with bulling. After a while, my former teacher saw him, before long everyone who arguing against H.O.M.E. was in a circle, talking about everything. He then did one of the best things I may have seen in the past couple of years, and went to the two men, and introduced himself as the openly gay trustee. In a very well mild manner way, he frustrated both of them with his words, never once insulting their intelligence or insulting them as humans, even though at one point I think one of them said he should throw holy water on him.
I have never seen anything quite like that. Many of my Conservative Christian friends, many of whom find homosexuality a sin, all said that they didn’t even believe the facts and thought the group was not approaching the situation right at all.
but according to the bible it is also a sin to:
- get a divorce
- have sex before marriage
- cheat on someone
- accusing someone of something
- unjustified anger
- being anxious
- accepting a bribe
- disobedient to parents
- doing drugs
How many of those things do you do? Exactly.
We’re all going to hell YAY
the bible also says god sees all sins as equal.
Lately I have been feeling so…. alone…. I don’t understand it. I guess because this is the longest I have been single since I started dating in high school…. maybe its just that. I hope.
Like, did I upset the the natural force or balance or something? I fucking love this. I checked my bank account, I can’t even pay my car insurance. Its great. And now I am going to here the same bull shit from my mom. Find a job. She acts like I fucking don’t even try. Since I have gotten my car back, I have been looking. She acts like I am a fucking bum. But then again, she was the one who lived with her parents until she was 28, and her dad paid for her car, insurance. So yeah, she should know how hard it is to have to pay for insurance, which she could have helped make it easier butt didn’t, phone bill and gas. I swear to fucking god if she says anything else to me i might just fucking leave. I swore at her Sunday in front of my Grandpa too, she made some dumb ass comment then. I just want to fucking go, and keep driving. But with no money, I am fucking stuck here. I can’t keep doing this shit. I am at my end with her. AHHHHHH fuck me.
Why do I always seem to go for the girl that wont work, I can’t have, or just doesn’t seem to even notice me? Is it that hard to ask for once I can have a little luck or something. Its like playing Texas Hold ‘Em and getting dealt 7-2 (statistically the worst starting hand in Poker). Can I get dealt two Aces once in a while (Statistically the best starting hand in Poker). I am thinking about giving up on love til after college or at least after this semester, I can’t seem to find a damn break so why even care?